I’m usually a very motivated person. So much so that a therapist once pointed out that I tend to get most everything I want. How’s that for feeling like you shouldn’t have anything to worry about?
Well, I always get what I want, so there’s no need to feel anxious about everything I have to do to get there.
Real talk: I’d be lying if I said that I’m supremely motivated to finish graduate school. Of course I’m thrilled to be finishing school and entering the “real world.” It’s just the nitty, gritty, finite details of getting there that are killing my motivation.
I’m currently in a class (which the teacher likes to remind us is somewhat of a “capstone” course – AKA it should be one of the most valuable classes we’ll take) that feels like the largest waste of money ever. It’s clear that the professor doesn’t want to be teaching. In fact, more than half of our classes have been outsourced to random lecturers. And when we were given our “take-home” final, the professor moved at such a lightening speed in explaining the requirements that any questions we asked were seen as hindrances to the lecture.
I could continue about how sucky this class has been, but I’d honestly just be infuriating myself even more over this broken record. It’s not worth it. (And plus, I’ll express all this frustration in my class evaluation. muahahaha…)
I don’t know if my motivation-funk is a hesitation to enter the “Real World,” but I don’t know what I can do to snap out of it. Not being a student for the first time ever in my life will certainly be a change that I’ll have to adjust to, of course. But it’s also a time of growing up more than ever before.
Sure, moving away to college was a signal of growing up. But living in New York for any other reason in the world except for attending school? I don’t know why, but this is just crazy to me.
Sometimes when people would ask me where I lived, my answer would be “I go to school in New York.” My brother once corrected me saying, “Jenny, you live in New York.”
I think that being a student has been so much of a shield.
When anyone asked what do you do? I’d just answer, I’m a student.
Now? I’m looking for a job.
The reality is hitting me that I will most likely be unemployed once I graduate. I know this is common right after graduation, but it drives me nuts knowing that so many people outside of my field manage to set up jobs months before they graduate. How do they do that?!
Unfortunately, the non-profit arts world just doesn’t work that way.
Maybe this is the root of my motivation-less feelings lately. Don’t get me wrong – I’m applying to any and all openings that are relevant to my job search, but knowing that it’s not going to be easy has got me down.
Ugh, dear readers, sorry for this word jumble.
It’s just the reality of my thoughts these days.